9 months ago, when I was falling and about shatter. At that moment, I thought there is nothing left worth for me stay awake in life. I had friendship problems, family matters, school matters .... I'm so tired, as much like I'm half alive. However, there's this special someone, he picks me up, and shower me with care and love .. He showed me that what happened it's not that bad after all. I could not have been so strong without him. He's so important to me, I think I would not have the courage to wake up very morning to face school .. or any problems if I'd lose him .. School have been a hell to me, waking up every morning pretending I'm going to school happily, but yet I'm afraid. Afraid of being left alone. Everything was fine for us until recently, we had a fuss and quarreled .. I know its bothering him, as much as i do. Thou he pretended to be fine .. His voice on the phone was harsh, making me afraid of answering .. Then it became a misunderstanding between us. It's my fault ... he warned not to. But I'm very sorry for giving him all those nasty feelings. It hurts me too.. Last night, his last message to me made my heartache. I tossed around on my bed, couldn't force myself to sleep, kept imagining scenes.... then tears wet my pillow. I don't know how to explain, because everyone around me didn't trust me and it affected me deeply. No one trusted me .. so I started breaking every rules, betrayed my self-esteem. I really didn't want to .. but I'm conscious of what I'm doing, I stated my rules and regulations. I've never betrayed his love before, never I swear..... and even when I'm in my breaking down state, I'm still thinking of him, whether if he was asleep or not .. what was he thinking .. is he missing me as much as I do .. This morning I waited for him under my block hoping I'll see him walking towards me, and then send me to school. I know it's impossible but I still waited foolishly. He didn't appear ... So I decided walking to school, then I walked by his block. Looked up at the 10th floor and saw his room light was not turned on, I knew he was sleeping ... yet I stood there looking up his room's window for awhile .. then remembered the way he sleep, his looks and I walked off to school, holding up my tears. I was more of worried than sad, he didn't answer my call and reply me message for a night, it really bothers me. I was not able to concentrate in lessons. Then suddenly he replied, I was stunned at that message he sent. No words could describe, but I'll treasure that message, I'm not gonna break any rules again. ♡ Trying my best to gain back his trust.
As for friendship ....
Friendship problems have been bothering me since last year I separated from my friends ... it's hard to believe but true and in fact, I don't have friends. Can someone define *best-friends* ? I don't know what's the purpose of gaining trust ... because someday, someone, anyone and even the one you trust most may betray you. I force myself not to believe but i just couldn't ... It happened on me so many times till I let go. I'm so getting used being treated like fools. I tried thinking where or which part as a friend have i done wrong but I could not find any faults on my actions. I paid for their meals or treat them when they do not money, lend them when they do not have enough cash .. do whatever they asked me to as long as I could help. I never wanted them to repay all this and all I want from them is so simple but yet seems to be so hard for them ... I just want them to remember what I've done, unlike an unsung hero. Then the more I seems to help ... the more they took it for granted .. then it became a backstab. When I needed help, there's no one there for me. None to rely on. I don't wish to list them out ........ Imagine, yourself sitting alone in the middle of the class but the rest of them have their tables joined with their friends and except for yours? Being left out during recess, and when someone walked by and asked "Hey, why didn't you go for recess?" You'll just have to fake a smile and reply "Never mind, I'm not hungry you go ahead and have yours." However to truth was the opposite ... and definitely not because I'm not hungry, not because I don't want to go .... but because no one asked me along. I rather sit in class and wait till the bell rings than eating alone in the canteen while others sitting in groups .. It really hurts like hell .. Imagine them going out for gatherings but you're not even called .... There's more but I think I should stop typing .......
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